He walks on the narrowest rail
by zoevdv
Summary: I don't really like the musical Cats. But because of the 2019 movie that's coming out, I'm getting annoyed all over again by the 'story'. I have a theory though, and I'd like to share it with you.


All is quiet next to the Junkyard. Nothing stirs in this silent night. The night breeze floats lazily through the deserted streets. Suddenly the quick tapping of paws on cobblestones fills the air. A young black and white cat scurries along, glancing left and right. It's Mr. Mistoffelees, and he's on a mission.

He pauses on a street corner and waits. The first minute he's looking around, hairs standing up. He's nervous. Then the minute becomes 5 minutes. After a while he just sits down and throws some lightning from one paw to the other. He's bored.

Then a voice behind him makes him jump. _"Cat got your tongue?"_ purrs the cat in the dark.

Mr Mistoffelees hisses, his back is arched and he's got lightning in his claws. A rugged looking cat with scratches everywhere steps out of the shadows. The magician relaxes, but he's still annoyed.

_"You're late Macavity."_ he snaps.

The tall ginger cat growls at him. _"You're the one that contacted me magician."_ He glowers through his whiskers down on the way smaller black and white cat. _"Don't test me."_

Mr Mistoffelees puts his ears flat to his head and slightly hunches down. He knows he's gone slightly too far and just walks towards the alleyway behind them._ "Alright, keep your socks on. This way, I'll make it worth your while."_

Macavity, the Napoleon of Crime, hisses threateningly. But he can't help but be slightly intrigued. He's always on the lookout for his next haul. The two cats disappear in the alleyway, and settle down between the bins of the local Italian restaurant.

Macavity leans on the wall and crosses his arms. _"Why am I here, you waterfed kitten."_

Mr Mistoffelees feel the 'waterfed' burn, but decides to ignore it. He wants something from this dastardly cat, so he needs to keep him happy.

_"I know you want to ask Old Deuteronomy something, and I think I can help you with that."_

Macavity becomes tense, but Mr Mistoffelees keeps going. _"I need you to snatch him away for me. And I'm thinking, I scratch your chin, you scratch my chin."_

The two cats are staring each other in the face. It's a whisker-off. Not an ear or whisper twitches and they simply try to outstare each other. Suddenly Macavity's tail twitches and the spell is broken. Both cats now sit down and Mr Mistoffelees starts to wash his face.

_"How can you help me with my problem?"_ Macavity asks.

Mr Mistoffelees finishes his face wash and turns to his new ally. He smiles a crooked smile, one that Macavity does all the time. _"I can make the old one tell you anything you want to know."_

The silence stretches on as Macavity digests the situation. This cat is supposed to be a loyal member of Jellicle tribe. He has some magical powers, but he's always been a supporter of Old Deuteronomy. Macavity has always thought him a bit of a suck up, a quiet guy who likes his time in the spotlight, where he can dazzle everybody with the lights he conjures. And now this. Macavity can't place it.

As the silence stretches on, Mr Mistoffelees seems to lose his cool. He starts fidgeting, and feels like he needs to break the silence._ "Look, you want to know where your old pal's stash is hidden and I can make him tell you. You'll need to kidnap him yourself of course, but if you get the old git to me, I can make him talk. We'd..."_

Macavity raises his paw and cuts of the stream of words. _"Why would you do this, you bluntclaw? You're one of them prancing cats."_

Mr Mistoffelees takes a sharp intake of breath. He raises his fur, to show the other cat he doesn't like the jabs. _"The old fool has denied my request twice to ascent to the Heaviside Layer."_ He hisses in annoyance at this. _"He doesn't even want to see me now. I need to do something miraculous to be allowed to ascent."_

Mr Mistoffelees takes a sly look at his companion. _"And if you do your part, I can make him choose me."_

His companion smiles at him. Macavity recognises the personal gain the other cat seeks. He respects it. He can use it. He smiles, and drops the threatening posture.

_"You wanna ascent that badly?"_ says Macavity. _"I'm glad to lend a paw to a new friend. Why don't you follow me to a nice spot. We'll grab some tuna and you can explain your plan."_

Macavity turns around and starts walking away. Mr Mistoffelees quickly catches up to him, and brushes shoulders with the most dangerous cat of the neighbourhood. He's trying his best to look relaxed, but it feels like big fat mice are running around in his lower belly. He hasn't even eaten yet because he was too nervous. He's certain it's just the nerves, and not actual mice. Maybe some tuna will do him good, he thinks, as he falls in step with Macavity. They disappear into the darkness together, the rugged looking orange cat with a well to do black and white cat.

The two cats start discussing the plan over some canned tuna. They end up with this. Macavity will use his goons to kidnap Old Deuteronomy and bring him to Mr Mistoffelees in the warehouse next door to the Junkyard. Macavity can ask Old Deuteronomy anything he wants, and Mr Mistoffelees will make sure he'll tell the truth. When they are done, he'll make sure the old guy forgets all about the ordeal. Mr Mistoffelees can do a lot more than just making some pretty lights appear. After all, he's a magician.

Mr Mistoffelees will then return to the tribe and save the day by conjuring Old Deuteronomy out of thin air, and nobody will question it at all. They clink their cups of foaming milk and go their separate ways for the evening.

Mr Mistoffelees paces the empty and cold room he's in. He is quite nervous, because he knows that what he's doing is wrong. Tonight he'll cross the line from nice to devious. He's so terribly tired of being the best cat of the tribe, and not getting recognised for it. Everybody thinks he's so clever, but they'd rather purr over Rum Tum Tugger, or blindly follow that grey poser Munkustrap. He's so full of himself, it turns Mistoffelees' stomach. Honestly, these cats will never truly love him like this. He needs to ascent, and be reborn. That's all he's ever wanted. And tonight he'll make it happen. No wonder he's nervous.

Suddenly there is a commotion outside. A bunch of tough looking cats burst into the room. Old Deuteronomy is dragged inside, he's too old to put up much of a fight. The tidal wave of fur and claws just hauls him into the cage.

Macavity saunters inside, pleased with a job well done. _"Boys," he hisses, "run outside and lead that idiot Munkustrap and his troop on a merry chase, far away from here. Go!"_

Old Deuteronomy puts his paw through the bars of his cage. He oozes class, from his claws to his whiskers. He manages to look dignified, even though his situation is dire. He spots Mr Mistoffelees.

_"What have you gotten yourself into, you poor lost soul?"_ he asks him.

_"Silence fool!"_ Mr Mistoffelees hisses._ "Be quiet, and watch the pretty lights."_

He approaches the cage, and concentrates intently. Slowly, small lights start to flicker on his fur coat. At first it's just one or two, but as the duel of wits progresses and Old Deuteronomy gets sucked in, more lights flicker and shine on the shrewd magical cat. Macavity is very impressed with the spectacle of it all, as the light lures their captive into a world of no escape, into his own mind.

Suddenly, the lights stop and Mr Mistoffelees stands up. _"It's done."_ he says._ "Ask him anything."_

Macavity approaches, but he leaves his usual bravado behind, now that he's seen what the magical cat can do. He kneels down and studies Old Deuteronomy. His face is a blank slate with no expression. His whiskers don't even twitch. And his eyes are open but see nothing. It looks like he's retreated into his own mind. _"Hi oldfurs. Fancy seeing you like this!"_ Macavity quips. You have to keep the tough persona going somehow, you know?

_"Hi Macavity. It's been a long time."_ Old Deuteronomy's voice seems very old, not detached, not sluggish, just, not interested.

Macavity smiles an evil smile. He can work with this. _"When Demeter stole the map to my dearly departed friend Griddlebone's catnip hoard, she gave that map to you, did she not?"_ he asks the old cat.

Old Deuteronomy nods his head. _"She did indeed."_

Macavity smiles._ "Where is that map, Deuteronomy?"_

A moment of silence, and Old Deuteronomy leans forward. He whispers _"I hid it by the docks, underneath a stone next to the old, red pole."_

Mr Mistoffelees now approaches on paws so silent you would have thought the sound was coming from on the roof._ "Are you done?"_ he asks Macavity._ "It's best not to drag these things out too long."_

Macavity doesn't take his eyes off the old cat. _"What? Hypnotising our glorious leader you mean?"_ He turns to Mr Mistoffelees, smiles and says _"I suppose you're right. He's all yours."_

Mr Mistoffelees takes the ginger cat's place and kneels down in front of their prisoner. He closes his eyes in concentration, his whiskers stand to attention and the lights on his coat appear again. This time they don't appear at random though, this time there is a rhythm here. A sort of pulse, and the lights grow brighter in waves. "Listen closely Old Deuteronomy." he purrs. His voice sounds deeper, commanding even.

_When 12 moons have lived and died,_  
_And winter lays down, satisfied,_  
_When the Jellicle Choice has come again,_  
_Listen to what you shall do then._

_Mr Mistoffelees is the name you shall pull out of your hat._  
_Not Skimbleshanks, or Jennyanydots or the Theatre Cat._  
_'T will be Mr Mistoffelees you shall name,_  
_The cat who will depart and come again._

_You'll now forget these soft spoken words._  
_Let your mind wander like the wings of a bird's._  
_One snap of mine and you'll open your eyes._  
_Now stay asleep, and float on the tides._

The flickering lights come to a crescendo, and for a moment Macavity can't see a thing. He shields his eyes when the flow becomes too intense. When he lowers his arm, he looks at the cage. Old Deuteronomy has now closed his eyes and is sound asleep. Mr Mistoffelees is still kneeling, but now he looks tired. He's panting a little, as if the little speech he just made has cost him much energy.

He rises and stands up, while washing the dirt from his knees. _"He'll forget everything that was spoken here, including your little chat."_ he explains while licking his paw.

_"Did I hear you correctly?"_ asks Macavity.

Mr Mistoffelees looks up, annoyed that his wash is interrupted._ "What?"_ he asks him.

_"Did you ask him to name you in next year's Jellicle Choice? Not this year's?"_

Mr Mistoffelees shrugs his shoulders. _"I don't want the tribe to think I'm ascending, just because I saved oldfurs there. I want them to think I ascend because I deserved it."_

Macavity laughs and pats him on the back. _"That's good! That means we can maybe do some business in the coming year. I could use a cat like you!"_

Mr Mistoffelees smiles at him, and then their prisoner stirs in his sleep. The two cats are wrenched back into the present, with it's own possibilities and problems.

_"Let's leave this place."_ Mr Mistoffelees whispers. _"I'll head back to the tribe and magic him up out of thin air. I get to save the day, and you have a catnip-hoard. I suggest you relocate it quickly."_

Macavity starts walking briskly towards the exit. _"I have another trick up my sleeve, my new furry friend. Wait until I've made my move to bring the old fool back. We'll speak again soon, when this mess has died out."_

The two cats seize each other up and part ways, each disappearing into the night. Mr Mistoffelees doesn't know what Macavity has planned, but he doubts it's a good thing. He decides to head back to the Junkyard and find out.

He passes ginger cats, tabby cats, fat cats, grey cats and even tomcats, but nothing strikes him as out of the ordinary. His paws hit the cold stones as his makes his way to his favourite spot with haste. It's an old chair, high above the rest. Nobody bothers him when he's on that chair. That chair means safety from purrs and hisses. The wicker seat is broken, but he doesn't care. He lays himself down on the chair and gets comfortable. Here, higher than anybody else, he watches the tribe's chitter and chatter.

Munkustrap and his troop of goons have returned, looking rather tired. They should be, as they've been chasing a ghost for hours. But the centre of attention are Demeter and Bombalurina. They are gossiping, quite loudly in fact, about Macavity. They are best friends, always walking side by side. Demeter is a more mature looking cat, with the composure that comes with age. Bombalurina is a very fluffy and badass cat. She's one of those cats who will prove to you why they are important, even when you didn't ask or question it. They are loudly proclaiming, correctly, that Macavity is behind it all. Mr Mistoffelees stretches, there high above the rest, and wonders when he'll be able to save the day. Maybe a nap first... He closes his eyes.

Oohs and aahs pierce through Mir Mistoffelees' veil of sleep. Lazily, he opens one eye. Then he sits upright, all drowsiness forgotten. There walks Old Deuteronomy, as if he's never been imprisoned! The hairs on his back stand up, and he hisses in fright. Should he run further than the sun sets? Should he stay here and hide underneath the rubbish?

_"Macavity."_ he hisses._ "The bastard betrayed me."_

Mr Mistoffelees now stands up, ready to run. As he looks down, he spots the tribe just fawning over oldfurs. He hisses for good measure, but then he stops. From his vantage point high above, he sees one cat acting strange. It's Demeter, little old gossiping Demeter, who is staring at Old Deuteronomy intently. Nobody takes much notice of this, as they are all entranced by the sudden appearance of their hero, but Mr Mistoffelees sees it. He waits. Maybe he doesn't need to flee after all.

He doesn't have to wait long, because Demeter suddenly makes her move. Out of nowhere, she launches herself at Old Deuteronomy and claws viciously at him. Everybody seems studded, but not for long. The disguise falls away, and it's Macavity who's now fighting a furious Demeter. Before she can finish the job however, he throws her off. Munkustrap, good ol' Munkustrap, and Alonzo jump in the fray and then there's hissing and scratching and jumping as high as can be. Mr Mistoffelees is only mildly worried. If Macavity dies, good for him. One less loose end. But alas, it's just his luck. The Napoleon of Crime manages to fight his way out, growling and screaming all the way.

Everybody comes together to lick their wounds. They all huddle around Demeter, but she's fine, just a little shocked. All seems lost, and there is a real air of despair hanging in the air.

And who should come out to make it all about himself? That horrible cat, the Rum Tum Tugger of course. He can't stand it when he's not the centre of attention. Mr Mistoffelees can hardly believe that he's Munkustrap's younger brother. They couldn't be more different if they had tried. He's akin to the great lions, because he has something resembling a black mane. He just looks cool. All the mollies want to be with him and all the tomcats want to be him.

He's parading around with that swagger of his, and Mr Mistoffelees cranes his ears to hear what he's talking about! It's him, he notes with amazement! The tribe is talking about him! They need him to save them! _Lovely,_ he thinks._ If they ask me, it looks less dodgy than when I just offer my services. Fantastic. This couldn't have gone better._

He does one last stretch, and starts jumping down with leaps that seem too big for such a small cat. The lights on his coat are back, and they are doing their work. They look fabulous, and calm the minds of inquisitive cats. When you're looking at the lights, you're not asking yourself the difficult questions.

When he arrives down at their level, the Rum Tum Tugger is smiling at him. The lights are shining brightly in his eyes._ "Can you save us, Quaxo?"_

Mr Mistoffelees smiles, and starts turning around faster and faster. He keeps spinning around, and the lights on his fur become brighter and brighter until everybody has to avert their eyes. He's now a column of light and air, and the wind batters all the small objects aside. Suddenly the magic is released and wind, little balls of light and a big bang explode onto the clearing.

As the dust settles, and the the cats look up, they see Mr Mistoffelees holding the paw of Old Deuteronomy. He snaps his fingers in front of the old cat, who appears to be sleeping. Their leader opens their eyes and everybody cheers!

Mr Mistoffelees smiles. It's very easy to magic somebody out of thin air, when you know exactly where you left him.

The end


End file.
